And I Let You Go
by TinyTimTurner
Summary: Rachel thought that breaking up with Puck would be easy, but she quickly finds out that breaking up is hard to do...


**Title:** And I Let You Go  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own Glee. Duh  
**Character/Pairing:** Puck/Rachel  
**Rating:** T**  
Author's notes/Warnings:** This is my first Glee fic ever that I wrote back in '09 right after episode 1x08 aired. For some reason I never posted it anywhere. So, since I've decided to start writing again, I figured I might as well start with this one. I've reworked it since then thankfully :) This is basically my interpretation of Puck and Rachel's break up back in episode 1x08. I wanted to get inside of Rachel's head and see what she was thinking during that scene. I hope you guys like it.

* * *

You could be happy and I won't know  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go  
And all the things that I wished I had not said  
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head  
**You Could Be Happy – ****Snow Patrol**

* * *

As I walked across the bleachers, I kept telling myself that what I was about to do was for the best. It had to be. Noah, as wonderful of a candidate as he was, just couldn't stack up to me – at least, not in the ways that I needed him to. I mean, honestly, how far could our relationship really go when I had to remind myself to not flinch every time I spotted him heading my way with a slushie in his hand? Approximately a month, 2 weeks, and 4 days; that's how long. The night before, between uploading my stunning rendition of "Memory" from the Broadway seminal classic 'Cats' to my Facebook, I'd created a chart tracking my fear level of being slushied by one Noah Puckerman since Freshman year.

I'd shown a significant increase since dating him.

Not acceptable.

Plus, how could I throw myself into another man's arms when I longed for another? If this were The Notebook, which has peaked my interest considerably since I heard that it was being turned into a Broadway musical, I would be Allie settling for Lon. I just needed to wait until my real Noah came around… Finn. Pretending that I could redirect my affections from the obscenely tall boy to his best friend was simply naïve on my part and I wasn't fooling anyone.

I finally spotted Noah a couple rows down and, for a moment, I hesitated. He was seated close to the field, watching intently as his friends and teammates engaged in football practice. It was strange, but in that one moment, I knew exactly how he felt. When I had briefly quit the Glee Club and had to watch my friends pull together to perform… Well, it was a feeling of loneliness that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Especially not Noah.

If anyone else were in my place looking at him, they would see him casually leaning back and looking at the field with contempt – probably because he was trying to find a way to pass the time before he and Santana went to do… things.

However, I knew the truth.

He was lost. Without football, he seemed to be unsure of himself. Being the jock had always been part of his persona for as far back as I could recall. Ever since I could remember, Noah had always been some type of athlete. In elementary school it was soccer and little league. In junior high it had been basketball and tae kwon do. Now, in high school, he was the football stud and he played the part very well.

Therefore, facing unknown territory wasn't exactly an idea that Noah would warm up to easily. As a matter of fact, I think our seventh grade math teacher, Mr. Fitz, had said something about our journey that year being about traversing into unknown territory and, within two days, Noah was somehow no longer enrolled in that course. Him dropping the class was not a surprise to me. If there was a way that Noah Puckerman could not do anything new, he'd find it. That's why I was so shocked when he joined glee club and started dating me.

Even though he behaved like a Neanderthal 99% of the time, I wasn't blind to his appeal. I could appreciate the way his lips always seemed to be pouting like a sad child. Yet, at the same time, his lips were nothing like a child's because I could still feel how they had melted against my own in the heated kisses we'd shared in my bedroom. I could still feel the way his large hands felt as one held mine and the other brushed the hair away from my eyes. And his eyes…

"Stop it Rachel," I told myself sharply. "Just get this over with."

Looking out onto the football field, I spotted Finn, making my heart give a little leap. That's how I knew I was doing the right thing. My heart could never betray the quarterback even though I knew that I would more than likely never have him. It was like Finn had me trapped and I couldn't escape even if I wanted to. A feeling of helplessness swept through me and that was something that I couldn't quite understand. I'd spent my entire life trying to mirror independence, talent, and poise like so many of my female heroines: Barbara Streisand, Celine Dion, Grace Kelly, and Hilary Clinton. I strived to be someone so that I could break out of Lima and become a star. Falling in love with someone who was the epitome of Lima was never part of the plan.

So how had cute and clueless Finn Hudson been able to steal my heart so quickly and effectively?

With a shake of my head and a more steeled focus I closed the distance between Noah and myself, my heart inexplicably racing.

I looked out at the field one more time, trying to see it the way he did, before asking, "You miss it?"

I thought he would turn to face me, but he didn't. Instead, he replied with a prompt, "Hell no."

I could hear the cover in his voice. He was trying to put on a show so that I wouldn't question his "badassness" as he had so eloquently put it earlier that week. The thought made me smile ever so slightly as I sat down a row behind him.

"I hope you didn't choose glee over football because of me." The words came out much more gently than I had imagined which I was thankful for. For some reason, I didn't want to hurt him and although he'd never admit it – I knew he would never want to hurt me.

"Why?" He turned his head towards me ever so slightly. I could tell that I now had his full attention and that was somehow a little unsettling.

"Because," I said, looking uncomfortably at a random spot on the bleachers. "I don't think this relationship is gonna work out." Puck gave a half-hearted sigh – or maybe he just let out a heavy breath; I couldn't really tell.

"It's cool. I was gonna break up with you anyway."

"No you weren't."

"Yes, I was," he shot back. "You won't even let me touch your boobs."

My heartbeat suddenly began to pick up pace at the mention of him touching me. I felt a blush creep up my neck and begin to color my cheeks.

"It's Finn, right?" Not bothering to wait for a response, he barreled on. "He's never gonna leave Quinn. Not with that baby in her belly." My immediate reaction was a pang of longing. He had just effectively reminded me of how impossibly out of reach Finn was. Yet, I knew I wasn't the only one feeling badly. Noah had made the statement in a very as-a-matter-of-fact kind of way but there was still an undercurrent to his voice. It was like the edge of a very sharp blade and it contained a lot of regret.

My heart went out to him for that.

"You like her don't you?" I asked before my mind had a chance to catch up to my mouth. When he didn't answer, I took that as confirmation and pressed the issue a little more. "I can see you staring at her when I'm staring at Finn. Is that why you joined glee? To be closer to her?"

Noah paused for a moment before saying, "Like I said, they're never breaking up."

I was about to agree with him when he cut me off and said, "God, what's the matter with me. I'm a stud and I can't even hold onto a chick like you – no offense. Why don't girls like me?"

"It's because you're kind of a jerk. No offense." I snapped back sarcastically, instantly regretting it. Taking a moment to collect my thoughts, I reminded myself that he was in the same position as me – in love with someone who the high school hierarchy deemed out of reach.

"I just think you want it too much – which is something I can relate to."

I lifted my gaze to Finn who was swallowing down a swig from his water bottle. As if he felt my eyes on him, he looked up and smiled at me in the bleachers. For a moment, I thought he would wave or acknowledge me in some other way. Instead, his eyes found Puck and when they drifted back to me, his smile faltered. Then he just went back to throwing the football across the field which, in turn, forced me to turn my attention back to Noah.

"I want everything too much," I told him. "Our relationship was built on a fantasy, like every other one in my life…"

Why couldn't I just let go of Finn? It would make my life so much easier. I wouldn't have to keep waiting around for that improbable moment where he'd realize that he couldn't live without me and my amazing voice. I could be the Christine Daae to his Phantom – without the gloom and doom of course.

"I think I just agreed to us being together because I thought it would make Finn jealous." Even saying his name made my stomach receive a flurry of butterflies… pathetic. "I just hope we can still be friends."

Noah halfway turned to look at me. His soulful eyes trained on me so intently that I almost felt exposed like Daniel Radcliffe in Equus. And just like that, there were no thoughts of Finn in my mind. All I could see was Puck, I mean Noah, and it was so very different. There were so many emotions that he was holding back. Yet, I could see them all right there under the surface of his intoxicatingly golden brown eyes. It made me want to reach out and touch him and tell him that maybe we could make this work.

As his eyes trailed every line of me and lingered in certain areas a little too long for comfort, I began to realize just what I was letting go of. For some reason, I was unexpectedly tentative in breaking up with him. I wasn't so sure it was the right thing to do anymore.

Finally, his roaming eyes settled on my own and, with as much finality as he could muster, he said, "We weren't friends before."

And for some reason, his words made me feel empty inside.

Without another word, I rose from the barely warmed metal of the bleachers and made my exit. My back turned to him, I walked back the way I had come and headed straight for the parking lot. I needed to leave and clear my head for a little while. I knew glee club was having a rehearsal but for once I didn't feel like having my life put on display for them. Just this once, I wanted this moment to be mine and mine alone. Even the best Broadway show had to take an intermission to set up for the next act. The only problem was that I didn't know what my next act would be.

As I reached my ocean blue hybrid, I heard a familiar voice yell out my name. Turning towards the voice, I was surprised to find Noah running to catch up to me. What he could possibly have left to say was beyond me, but I was more than willing to listen.

At least, I thought I was.

"Fuck Berry," Noah panted. "Are you a cheetah or something cause I mean, damn."

I rolled my eyes and said, "I walk fast. My apologies."

Noah looked at me with a tiny smirk flickering across his lips and nodded. Whether he was nodding in agreement or just because he was stalling to catch his breath, I wasn't sure. As I waited for him to say something, his eyes drifted to the interior of my car and a skeptical eyebrow rose in question.

"Beauty and the Beast?"

I didn't have to look inside to know what he was referring to. I had the complete musical selections from Disney's Beauty and the Beast in one songbook (the Broadway version of course) neatly placed in my passenger seat. I was freshening up on the definitive compositions for my audition at the local community theater. This season, Beauty and the Beast was their first show and I knew that I could play the lead role of Belle brilliantly. I just had to prove it to them.

"I'm auditioning at the Gardenview Community Theatre," I explained quickly.

Noah just nodded again. "Right." I waited for him to say more but he remained silent, leading me to wonder why he'd even chased me down at all.

"Noah?"

Pushing himself off of my car, he sighed and ran a hand through his mohawk but he still remained without words. The silence was nearly deafening.

"Puck."

Without thinking, I placed a hand on the side of his face and redirected his attention to me. His eyes met mine through lengthy eyelashes and my breath hitched. There was a question hanging in the air between us. I could see it in the way his eyes searched mine and the way his lips parted ever so slightly, as though he were about to ask it at any second. I could feel the heat of his breath on my wrist as his face nestled into the cradle of my palm. It sent an excited hum throughout my body like a quick shock to the system. And yet, it didn't fade away like one. No. This one stayed and reverberated through me in a way that I was unfamiliar with. To be honest, it scared me but, I wasn't backing down.

Something was telling me not to.

And just when I thought he'd say something and change the way we were in that moment… Just when my eyes were closing and my body lifted itself unto the tips of my flats and pressed towards the boy I'd known since childhood, Puck pulled away from me so fast that it made my head spin.

I stumbled a step forward and caught myself against the frame of my car before making a fool of myself. Unsure of what had just happened, I looked up at Noah and saw the apology etched into the lines of his face but it was overpowered by the anger quickly dousing the light that had been in his eyes.

"You don't get to do that," he said to me, his voice unnervingly low.

"I'm sorry?"

Something was wrong. I'd done something wrong. Like every relationship in my life, I'd made a wrong move and now it was burning down in flames. That's what was happening here. I could feel it.

"Berry," Puck spoke again slowly, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to act like we can have something. This isn't some fucking chick flick or Disney movie where you get to kiss me and live happily ever after."

"Noah, I never-"

"Yes!" Noah snapped, taking a step towards me. "Yes you did. You just tried to turn me into that guy. The guy that fixes all your problems. The guy that makes it all go away for you and makes everything perfect."

Taking a step back, I tried to speak but words were failing me and I simply stood there like a gaping fish unable to defend myself.

"Newsflash Princess," Noah said loudly, his hands going up in the air to punctuate his statement. "I'm not that guy. I'm not _him_." And just as quickly as his voice had risen to a boom, his voice dropped to a painful quiet as he said, "I never will be."

The two of us remained in silence, neither one sure of what to say or do next. My heart was racing from his words and I knew that I couldn't win this. It wasn't that kind of moment. This was something that I couldn't stage or read the lines to get through. This was real. And that was something I'd never had to deal with.

Of course, Noah was completely overreacting but there was no way I could tell him that. I just had to figure out why he'd gotten so angry. He'd gone from calm and collected to wildly furious in an instant. All because of what? An almost kiss?

The thought of the near collision of our lips sent a chill through, but in a good way. And that put me on edge.

Noah looked at me and I could easily see that he regretted yelling at me.

"Fuck Berry," he breathed out in a worn sigh. His hands went up to his face, the heels of his palms pressing against closed eyelids as he tried to process where to go from here. After a few beats, he turned away from me and sank down beside my car, his legs stretched out in front of him like a child worn out from a tantrum.

Not knowing what else to do, I lowered myself to a kneeling position beside him and waited for him to speak.

After what seemed like an eternity, he tilted his head back against the door of my car, closed his eyes and asked, "It's always going to be him, isn't it?"

And that's when it hit me. Finn. This was all about Finn.

"By him," I said softly, pulling at a loose thread in my sweater. "I assume you mean Finn?"

"No, Edward Cullen," he shot back sarcastically.

Making sure to bite my tongue, I responded with, "I'm surprised you even know who that is."

Noah gave a shrug of his shoulders as he said, "I have a sister. It's kind of hard not to."

I nodded my agreement and answered the question he had asked as delicately as I could. "I don't know if it will always be him but I do know that he is my now. Isn't that enough?"

"I guess so," he answered, turning his head to look at me. "I'm just sick of never being that for anyone. Not for you. Not for _her_."

Quinn.

"Maybe she'll come around."

The look Noah shot me said otherwise.

And as we sat there in quiet once again, I thought over his last statement which made my brows furrow in confusion.

"Never being what?"

"What?" He asked, his voice sounding weary.

I hesitated for a moment before pressing forward. "You said you were sick of never being _that _for anyone. What were you talking about?"

His eyes studied me long and hard, still searching for that answer I didn't know the question to. Then, as though he'd given up, he pushed himself up from the ground and dusted the dirt off his jeans before helping me to my feet as well. His hand wrapped around mine like a warm glove and for some reason, I couldn't stop staring at the contact between our hands. As I watched his thumb trace a soothing circle on my skin, my mind began to race. It was as if a light was going off in my head but before I could fully comprehend what something deep inside was trying to tell me, Noah pulled his hand away.

"I'm doing this all wrong," Noah said sadly. "This isn't even what I came out here for."

I wanted to ask him why he had come out to find me. I wanted to know what his original intentions had been. However, instead of asking him that question, I said something else; something that wouldn't stop nagging at the corners of my thoughts.

"You didn't answer my question," I told him stupidly, the words sounding petty to my ears as I continued to stare at where our hands had been seconds before.

Grabbing me gently by the chin, he tilted my face up to meet his gaze, his tongue quickly darting out and wetting his lips. The action drew my attention away for a moment as I felt my tongue unintentionally do the same before I raised my eyes to his. I thought he'd kiss me. The way he was looking at me, and the way the world seemed to slow down around me, prepared me for the kiss that I'd seen so many times before but had never been on the receiving end of. But even though years of watching John Hughes movies had readied me for this moment, the kiss never came.

Instead Noah dropped his hands and said, "I'm tired of never being enough."

And with those words left hanging in the air, he turned around and walked away.

~fin

**A/N:** I hope you guys liked it. Just so you know, I am working on a concluding sequel from Puck's POV. It's called "But I Never Asked You To" :) Reviews are love!


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